THIS IS FOR YOU, IF YOUR PARTNER OR CHILD HAS A CHRONIC MYSTERY ILLNESS
I know you are probably worried and scared.
You think that your partner does not know what she/he is doing.
You think they are a little desperate, you know, to follow the advice of a guy who hears things in his ear from.. a SPIRIT?
You are concerned. Your partner is rejecting things YOU know that work, like going to the doctor, taking medication, and getting tests. You think that they should perhaps keep going and you do not understand WHY the heck they don’t trust the doctors like you do.
Plus the changes they are trying to make in their life are affecting you – no more of your favorites… no meat, dairy, eggs, gluten. How can you live your life without those foods? I mean c’mon?
You fundamentally do not think there is anything wrong with these foods. Why should you have to suffer and not have those foods anymore? Or if you still eat those foods, you are now annoyed that you cannot go to your favorite restaurants anymore. You cannot socialize the same way as before. Your partner perhaps does not want to share a drink with you.
And – you have no idea how long he/she is going to be on this kick. When can you go back to being normal?
You respond to your partner with all this frustration and feel that they are really not getting why this is not OK with you.
Or you think that this is really not going to work for them, and you are waiting for them to fall on their face with it, so you can be proven right.
Or you are just scared that if this becomes permanent, you cannot imagine what your life will look like.
Or you are worried that they will try to pressure you to eat the way they do when you a) really don’t need to, b) don’t care to, or c) think it’s a really stupid idea.
Or you think that because nothing came up in the blood work that they are making it up and must be imagining all this illness. After all, they don’t look sick, right? And they manage to function, so how bad could they be?
Or you think – I did not sign up for this – where is the woman (man) I fell in love with? …the one who had a zest for life and travel, the one who loved the outdoors?
Or you think that this lifestyle is going to make you go broke – I cannot afford to pay for all the supplements, organic foods, teas, and herbs – half of which I have never heard of and have no idea about. And I’m sure as hell not jumping on board especially if it’s this expensive.
OR
You are afraid your partner may be right and force you to confront everything you ever believed to be true, but is not anymore.
It crosses your mind, even if it’s just a brief musing, that they could actually just be making excuses for their lazy behavior.
You’re frustrated because you do not understand from your perspective what could be going on.
I get it.
I soooooo get it.
And you have every right to feel this way.
May I share another viewpoint?
The person you are with is struggling.
This is the person you love.
They are sick.
It’s a real thing. Doctors just don’t know it.
Your partner is just as confused as you are. Possibly watching their life pass before them wondering whether anyone will ever understand. Wondering whether YOU will understand.
The one who vowed to be with you through sickness and in health…
…wondering if they could ever continue their career.
…wondering if they could ever be a parent Or how they will continue being a parent.
…wondering if this is their fate.
…wondering if they will ever get better.
…wondering if you feel they let you down.
…so worried about spending the family money to get better.
…wondering whether you will leave them because they are sick.
They trusted the doctors and the doctors let them down. They have no answers except a pill that does not make a huge difference.
They trusted their bodies which are now not working.
They trusted you, but feel they cannot be honest because you might just walk away.
(If you think this is not true think again – nearly every woman AND man I have spoken to fears that her husband/his wife will leave her/him because of how much their illness has changed them.)
They sense your frustration. They don’t know how to make it better.
Also if your partner is choosing this lifestyle for your child, it makes it even more complex, when you do not agree with their approach. And you have the same thoughts as above, only more. This situation needs you to communicate. To be as clear and honest with each other as possible. Talk about what scares you. And listen to your partner and hear what scares them.
Also, the path your partner may be choosing for themselves may seem off the wall, but…..
How off the wall is it to eat more fruits and vegetables?
How off the wall is it to take some supplements?
How off the wall is it to choose a dietary path for healing? Millions of people all over the world choose diet as a way of healing.
May I offer some words to support you? If so, keep reading.
Be honest.
Say you don’t understand.
Say you are scared.
Or frustrated
Or angry
Or all of it
Your chronically ill partner wants your truth… more than anything.
They also do not need to have ALL your emotion directed at them. It’s not their fault they are sick. It’s not their fault you are frustrated. Life happens. Situations happen. Separate your feelings about the situation from your feelings about your partner.
Remember, you LOVE them.
And if you truly deep down do want to continue to be their partner, ask them, “How can I support you?”
“How can I make this easier?”
“What do you need me to do?”
“I don’t understand it and I don’t agree with what you are doing, but I want to support you. I have no idea how to. Can you help me, help you?”
“I want to understand what you are going through. Can you help me understand it?”
And if you have children who are chronically sick and need help, communicate with your partner as honestly and openly as you can. Do not ascribe blame. Own your feelings. Say “I feel {sad/ angry/ scared/ resentful/ annoyed/ frustrated/ crushed etc.}”
This is not a difficult concept and yet, hard in practice.
AND it can be a lifeline for someone who is struggling. It can be a lifeline for those who are misunderstood.
You may feel like digging your heels in and not wanting to make that change. And I validate those feelings. Every instinct in your body may be saying to act in the opposite way to my suggestions. But know this:
Nothing amazing between humans happened by acting on our emotions of struggle and pain. Amazing things happened by acting IN SPITE of our emotions of struggle and pain… through an act of human spirit, through an act of compassion.
I am asking you to be open in your heart and open in your mind.
I am not asking you to believe anything.
When you remain open (and this goes for those who ARE the one in the partnership who are chronically sick), you can hear one another better.
When you remain open, you allow space or compassion to arise. And ultimately compassion is one of the most powerful healers of the human body. If you would like to learn more about compassion please check out the Medical Medium radio show on this topic.
Chronically ill people (of which mental illness is a form) are amongst the most misunderstood people on this earth. Reach out to them. Connect with them. They have hearts and desires and are struggling more than you can imagine and they worry about you worrying.
Please please please – if you are a partner to someone who is sick, please continue to reach out to them. You have no idea how positively it impacts them to have your support, even if you do not believe in what they do.
And to you, directly: I will say it is a hard thing to watch a loved one suffer and not be able to know how to help them, protect them, or provide for them or to think they cannot now provide for you. Your safety net may be crumbling beneath your feet.
It is hard to know how to support them. And this can cause you to have immense levels of PTSD from watching a loved one be sick.
If this is you, get help. Find someone you can talk to, a therapist or a healer who can help you better support your partner.
Even if you do not act on this, I thank you deeply for just reading.
And if you do act on it, I hope you know you could be helping your partner heal way more quickly by relieving them of a huge stress about their relationship and allowing them to solely focus on their healing.
If this resonated with you, I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.
